pure bs WORLD EXCLUSIVE!

U.S Tob Job Outsourced!

By WARREN TERRAH

Published: February 28, 2004

WASHINGTON, DC -- BANGALORE, INDIA -- Feb. 28 -- In a unexpected move, the job of President of the United States has been outsourced to the Bangalore region of India. That the Presidential tasks and title were being considered for outsourcing has been a closely guarded secret according to White House officials speaking on condition of anonymity.

One official said, "It's been in the works for some time now. We felt the time was right as we needed to move the Chief Executive position to an individual with something of a command of the English language."

Asked if President's Bush's polling numbers were in part reason for the change, another Senior staffer told us, "Polling numbers? No. Not at all. His polling numbers weren't that bad. It was the fact that, we felt, and still feel, that a person requires a certain level of knowledge to run the world's largest economy, along with the world's most powerful military. We weren't getting the leadership needed to do the job. There was a consensus that something needed to be done, and with outsourcing being all the rage, we get better leadership at less cost. It's a win-win for all of us."

While Vice President Richard Cheney couldn't be reached for comment, sources tell us that he is "cautiously optimistic" about the move, and once he emerges from his undisclosed location, will address the American people concerning the change in Chief Executives.

We reached newly installed U.S. President Rahul Dravid in the new Oval Office East and asked him what does it feel like being the most powerful man on the planet. Sounding somewhat taken aback he replied, "I'm sorry to hear that Mr. Cheney has passed. A great man. He'll be missed and mourned by all."

When we explained that we were talking about President Dravid himself, he quipped, "Oh, of course. I am sorry for Mr. Bush, but happy for the American people. They have been put through a lot over the past three plus years, and a change is precisely the correct medicine for what ails the American psyche."

He went on to ask, "Are you sure Mr. Cheney is well?" We assured him Mr. Cheney is unharmed.

Mr. Bush, already back in Crawford, Texas following the change was upbeat, saying "Yeah. Murrcan's need the best person for the best price."

When asked what he would do with his time now that his job has been moved overseas, he said, "Y'know, if you've been followin' me the past coupla years, I like clearin' brush and stuff. I been talkin' it over with Laura(Mrs. Bush), an' she thinks I should maybe start a, y'know, brush clearin' business."

John Kerry, campaigning in New Delhi New York, was quoted as saying, "The first order of my administration is going to be the re-establishment of the highest office in the land to America. With your help, we can bring the job of President of the United States back to Washington, DC."

In researching this article, we found that President Dravid, in his first official act, signed into law a bill(HR2007) that deprives any government official whose job gets outsourced to any and all future government benefits, including pensions and health care. The new law is retroactive, effectively leaving Mr. Bush without any safety net. He will be given Social Security when he reaches the age of eligibility.

Sources tell us that President Dravid is busy assembling his re-election team. His term is due to elapse in November of this year, as his Presidency is under the same terms as Mr. Bush's. President Dravid has already energized the GOP bloc of unrepentant corporatists, and is wooing American Christians with an initiative designed to reform future oursourcing.

The President's plan is to use church attendance and tithing records in an effort to keep good Christian jobs here in the U.S.

We asked Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia if this would be allowable under the Constitution's separation clause. Justice Scalia told us, "There is no such clause in the Constitution. America was, and will always be, a Christian nation. I'm glad that President Dravid has taken his God given talent, and brought us a common sense approach to governance." He added, "Why Vishnu is just another name for Jesus."

Democrats in both the House and Senate are reportedly furious over President Dravid's proposal, but said that they will wait and until they have seen the President's initiative before leaping to conclusions.

I'll admit it. I didn't see this one coming. Competition is one thing, but I can't see how the GOP doesn't see this as a HUGE national security issue. Aren't the Dems supposed to be 'soft on defense?'

I'm sure you'll here a lot more about this story. This has to be THE political story of the year. I'm still shaking my head. What the heck was Congress thinking? Or not thinking.