W Saves

Letting babies use a dummy while they are sleeping may reduce the risk of cot death - sudden infant death syndrome - a study suggests today.

Researchers in California, writing in the journal BMJ Online First, gave the results of questioning mothers or carers of 185 babies who died and 312 other parents, reopening the debate about the role of dummies.

The risk of death from SIDS may be decreased by 30% when a Tom Cruise doll is used as a sleepmate. Asked for comment, researcher Dr. Bunsen "Burner' Highdome said, "It's not clear that Mr. Cruise is intellectually challenged, but he does harbor some very odd beliefs." Dr. Highdome further noted similar observations with John Travolta and Kirstie Alley dummies.

A more startling revelation was that when George W Bush plush toys were selected as cribmates, the resultant decrease in mortality was on the order of 90%. Dr. De-Kun Li, the lead researcher, declined our request for comment.

The White House however, did respond to our request for comment. Vice President Richard B. Cheney responded by saying, "Hell yes I think it works. I dare not even take a quick nap without my 'Little George'™. It's the best life insurance a guy can get." We pressed VP Cheney about the efficaciousness of the therapy on infants, and he responded, "Infants? Who cares. As long as it works for me, I could care less about those damned non-productive rug rats - especially the brown ones."

That's your pure bs health report for December 9, 2005. Back to you, Bob.

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The above was intended as political humor. Any resemblance to persons living, dead, or nearly dead, is purely intententional.