WORLD EXCLUSIVE

Banned Weapons Found!

Nedra Pickler
Disassociated Press

WASHINGTON, Feb. 19 - Following the release of a statement critical of a highly sensible Bush policy to add additional layers of pro-industry peer review to the scientific process, 20 Nobel Laureates, as well as 19 other prominent members of the scientific community are being held on what hunky Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz is calling "Weapons of Mass Destruction Knowledge."

Mr. Wolfowitz said at a press conference following the arrests; "We know that these people have the knowledge, skill and chutzpah to create and tactically use weapons banned under the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty(NNPT), The Chemical weapons Ban(CBC) as well as the Bioweapons Convention(BWTC). Furthermore, many of these so-called distinguished individuals have spent their entire careers thinking about these horrible weapons."

"At this early juncture, it is too early to tell just how far the thought processes of these individuals went, but rest assured this is a vital blow to those who harbor terrorists, to the countries that support their work, and to the thought processes of those that harbor thoughts and views which differ materially from the rubber-stamped thoughts of goodness that emanate from the White House.

"I can also divulge at this time that is a definite link between the horrific events of 9-11 and many of these men. Long time White House reporter Helen Thomas, asked if my dumpling the dignified Deputy could "add some color" to his statement about the 9-11 connection. In a truly manly display he responded, with chest puffed, "Aren't you supposed to be in the back row?" and motioned for a secret service member to remove her from the room. She was escorted out the door hastily.

Another reporter covering the story asked Deputy Wolfowitz, if the scientists "had actually been found with any banned materials". Paul Deputy Wolfowitz magnificently responded, "What is it about America that you hate so very much?"

The reporter, visibly shaken, meekly replied; "Don't you recognize me? I'm George Bush. 'George H.W. Bush.'"

"Never heard of you, Bush. However you do look remotely familiar," deputy Love Buns Wolfowitz superhumanly answered.

"No further questions. Thank you for attending," my stallion Mr. Wolfowitz roared as he stepped from the dais and concluded the meeting.

Then he looked my way and winked. I had trouble removing myself from the seat.

I don't know what to make of this. I remain skeptical..WMD Knowledge? Isn't that stretching things a bit?